Some years back, a “marketing guy” (because I can’t call him shit-head) thought his company would move in and take over some of my accounts. One of the things I do is Organic Search Engine Optimization (natural Google search results). So he emailed me one day, CC’d my client in his email and posted the following on Facebook.
“I just got an email from (client’s name retracted); he said you told him my marketing company could not compete with your SEO services at all. So, how is your SEO service so different? What makes you say that? Why don’t you explain it? We would all love to know your secret. Mr. Know-It-All!”
!!! Little did he know, but that just conjured up the Psycho in me !!!
I wrote back and posted back to his social media……
“Hello, Mr. Marketing Guy (didn’t call him shit-head),
Thank you for asking me that question. I have decided to share my entire strategy with you, so here goes, and PLEASE, pretty please, with sugar on top, read this entire post in your best Jack Nicholson mind voice. You can switch over to Samuel L. Jackson’s character ‘Jules’ from Pulp Fiction, wherever you feel it’s appropriate. So here goes (shithead)…
Domination to the point of demoralization is my answer.
Yeah, I can feel that bug-eyed, blank stare hitting me right now.
The concept of my strategy is so underestimated in its maniacal approach that it’s 100% PSYCHO. No one hardly ever gets it that THAT! is what I’m doing. Go totally psycho with my SEO approach. But that’s my strategy.
WHAT IS PSYCHO..?
Well, it starts with sleepless nights. Or day-night sleep reversal, whatever you call it. Personally, I can’t work while those wretched birds chirp, so that means when the birds start chirping, it’s time for bed. Although I tend to be a bit of a night owl, perhaps it’s parred for the course. However, the indisputable fact remains: I work well beyond what you will ever be capable of. I win. And that’s my strategy, sir. Work harder than anyone else to the point where other competitors look at your campaign and say to themselves, “That website dominates everything; why bother?”
Perfect. That is the exact response I was looking for.
DOMINATION TO THE POINT OF DEMORALIZATION…
That’s my motto. I want to make you cry. I want to make you feel hopeless. I want it, so you don’t try competing with me. Why? Because you CAN’T COMPETE WITH PSYCHO. Nothing instills a win faster than someone contemplating competing with you, then giving up because you never become complacent with your campaign. This fact is evident when competitors go belly-up when trying to man up and play ball with a pro.
“Don’t even try.” That’s the message I’m trying to convey.
FINISH YOUR PROJECTS YOURSELF. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT FAILS. DON’T PASS IT OFF TO AN INTERN!
Don’t be a douchebag. The MOST COMMON defense mechanism your big-fat oversized brain will try to impose on you is, “If you don’t finish the site and hand it over to an intern, and it fails, then it’s okay, but you never personally gave it 100%.” BULLSHIT! That’s right, and I know your scam. Get the client and then let the interns do the heavy lifting.
Sir, you must recognize that your brain is trying to save you from pain. If you were to deploy, what you considered to be a 100% excellent site, and it failed, you would then conclude that YOU are a failure, and your brain will do everything in its power to prevent pain. So you hand it off to interns and then over-bill and add that client to churn. DEPLOY THAT PROJECT ON YOUR OWN. FACE THE PAIN. OH, YOU CAN’T.
And to those who can…
GOD HELP YOU IF YOU REACH THE TOP 10…
I would if I could behead you, video it, and put it on TMZ. (kidding of course) but you get the point… All you do when you start making progress is get me fired up. Nothing motivates like hate. HATE is the STRONGEST of all motivational emotions. It allows you to accomplish anything. It’s like an adrenaline-inspired emotion. When you try to compete with me, you invoke an adrenaline-overdosed demon. You create hate. Just when you thought I was done with my campaign, I will GLADLY double/triple/quadruple my budget for new content generation and campaign advancement to ensure that you fail. At this point, my goal is to make sure you fail.
DOUBLE JEOPARDY, ALEX…
Not only do you have to conjure up the motivation to succeed and do it with such tenacity as to compete with me, but now you have me trying to make you fail with the SAME tenacity. As a matter of fact, my approach to making you fail is more mature than your attempt at getting psycho. I’m a pro. You’re just learning.
CHECK OUT THE BIG BRAIN ON BRAD…
So, Mr. Smarty Pants, you’re trying to win clients by emailing my portfolio? You’ve just conjured up “the psycho in me.” A usually kind, generous, helpful gent who will help grandma succeed just turned into the scariest, relentless terminator you can imagine. Allow me to quote from scripture, paraphrased slightly (The Terminator)
“He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t sleep. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are gone.”
I liken myself to how birds fight with each other and how an ant dismembers its prey when I judge how to punish you. Peck your eyes out. Dismember you. Whatever. As long as you suffer, I win.
I want it, so you associate pain with your campaign. This works. Every-time! The pain from reading your rank reports after I take over every keyword on it!
Not only do I meet the minimum, not only do I go over the minimum, not only do I go to MAXIMUM,I take it to its pinnacle, to Level 11, where you cry to your mommy, “Please God, make him stop.”
I will never stop. I will never quit. No matter what. Not ever. Especially after I hit #1 for keywords
YOU CAN’T COMPETE WITH PSYCHO!
So do you have any more questions?
Please find the attached client list and feel free to email them and ask them for their business also.
Have a nice day. You just made mine.
Kevin – SEO PSYCHO!